Do You Invite the Officiant? Thursday, Jan 31 2008

As a San Francisco wedding officiant, it’s not uncommon for couples to ask me near the end of an initial meeting whether I stay after the ceremony. I’ve learned that this is their way of opening the dialog to determine whether they should invite me to the reception. While certainly not all officiants feel the same way, here are my thoughts on the subject.

Do not feel obligated to invite me to your reception or your rehearsal dinner. I understand that every single plate adds up to the incredible cost of your wedding. For me, the most fulfilling part is the honor of standing up with you as you exchange your vows.

If it is important to you that I participate in the party celebration, consider thinking of my invitation like you would your other guests. Consider offering me the opportunity to bring a guest, too, so that I can share your event with someone I love.

If you want to get your head count from your family and friends first before determining whether you can invite me, I totally understand. Please don’t feel like you need to apologize if you extend an invitation two weeks before the wedding. I’ll be honored that you value my presence enough to try to squeeze me in. But again, don’t feel obligated.

Please let me know if I can answer any questions. Enjoy your planning!

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The Diamond Wedding Ring Part 2: Tradition Meets Real World Concerns Tuesday, Jul 24 2007

Written by Dean Guadagni

The following is a question that was sent to CNN’s “Where money and ethics meet” column written by Dr. Jeanne Flemming, Ph.D and Leonard Schwartz:

His question:“I’m planning to ask my girlfriend to marry me, and here’s the problem: I’m building us a new home, so cash is tight. While I want to give Stacy a diamond solitaire, I don’t have the money. My plan is to buy her a synthetic “diamond,” then replace it with a real one as soon as the house is finished and I get a little ahead. Must I tell Stacy the truth about the ring up front, or can I wait until I give her the real diamond?”

My first thoughts on this question are why is this being posed to a money related business world web site such as CNN? My immediate impression was that the young man was “looking” for a specific answer. He was not really interested in the emotional and heartfelt side of this issue. Instead this man was hoping to hear a practical, money related answer that would provide justification for his belief. In my opinion his belief is that the wedding ring is far less important than the financial investment a house represents.

Even more disturbing and surprising was the answer provided by Flemming and Schwartz. Here is their direct advice to our young man:

Their answer: “Tell her when you give her the ring. Unless Stacy is different from most women, she’s going to show off that ring to all her friends and family. Imagine how foolish she would feel, then, if she were to learn later that the stone she’d told everyone was a perfect diamond was nothing more than a perfect fake. She’d be humiliated, of course, and you’d look like a loser for putting her in that situation.”

My answer to Dr. Flemming, Mr. Schwartz, and our young man: Are you kidding me? How in the world do you WAIT until the night you are on bent knee to tell the woman you love, for the rest of your life, that the ring you ask her to wear (a symbol of your love together) is a fake? The answer provided by the good doctor and her accomplice is nothing more than a “justification” for our young man to act in poor taste, show very little class, and forever damage his reputation as a man’s man.

The rest of this answer I will provide as if I were speaking directly to the young man.
In my opinion, if your relationship is as strong as I hope it should be, you go to this woman and you sit her down long before the night you “ask” her to marry you. You tell her that you want to provide a beautiful home, a secure financial future, and the love that comes along with it. You ASK her to consider foregoing a real diamond ring temporarily for the good of your financial future. You ASK her for her permission to buy her the real diamond ring she deserves at a later date. Ask her if a simple tasteful gold band or any other substitute would be an appropriate temporary ring. Then if she is in agreement, you both decide on a date and time when the real ring will be purchased.

By approaching your “wife to be” long before you ask her to marry you, you demonstrate a few very valuable characteristics:

1. You are mature.

2. You are sensitive to her needs.

3. You want to share decisions as a joint effort.

In my opinion, if you approach your love in this fashion she will greatly respect you. You may be able to avoid the disaster that awaits you if you take the advice that was given by Flemming and Schwartz. Good luck!

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The Diamond Wedding Ring: Tradition Meets Real World Concerns Wednesday, Jul 18 2007

by Dean Guadagni

The wedding ring is a tried and true tradition which symbolizes the joining of two hearts into one love. It is a significant ritual and it represents one of the biggest days in your life. The wedding ring is the final piece and a perfect adornment to a relationship well worth a lifetime of commitment.

Although the above sentiments are shared by the happy couple, the male tends to have a few “other” thoughts on the significance of the wedding ring. Should the ring be an expensive diamond ring or should it be a more inexpensive purchase? According to suite101.com here are a few of the considerations that go into this important purchase:

• For many women, a gorgeous ring will make them ecstatic. For the rest of her life, she can look down at her finger and remember how delighted she was to see that beautiful ring.
• Many women will be very disappointed if they don’t get that beautiful ring. The marriage fairy tale is programmed into women’s brains from an early age, and part of the fairy tale is the diamond.
• Romance aside, a diamond is a high quality and beautiful product that is difficult to damage. With proper care, the diamond ring will stay beautiful for a lifetime.
• Quality diamond engagement rings can last for generations. The ring can become a family heirloom that your great grandson can use to propose to the girl of his dreams.
• It’s tradition. For some people, tradition is very important, whether it’s the woman taking the husband’s name, the father walking the daughter down the aisle, or proposing with a diamond engagement ring. Failure to follow tradition may result in disapproval from family and friends.
• The ring symbolizes an investment in your future together. Three months salary is a sacrifice that grooms are willing to make to symbolize a commitment they will not break.

And now the other side of the coin as described by suite101.com:

• Three months salary is an awful lot of money. A newly married couple needs money things like a mortgage, car payments, student loans, and wedding expenses.
• Consumerism is out of control in the world today. The expectations of what we need to spend to be happy have been pumped up by marketers for years. Do you want the diamond industry and the bridal industry to tell you what you need to spend on your engagement ring?
• Some brides prefer a stone that is unique and perhaps has personal significance. Couples are personalizing their weddings in all kinds of ways, from writing their own wedding vows to purchasing unique wedding favors, so why not buy a special ring? Other couples prefer to use an heirloom ring from their families.
• Some couples reject the idea of an engagement ring altogether because they feel it promotes patriarchy and a sense of ownership of the woman.

All of the above points are valid and important to consider. Even more important, in my opinion, is for the man to “get a grip” on his main reason for buying that giant diamond ring-jealousy. Men’s insecurity never rings more true (pardon the pun) when they drop a 3-carrot giant diamond on their bride’s hand. To the woman it means: “He must really love me!” To the man it does mean he loves his new wife. More significantly though it really says: “Don’t mess with this woman.  She is mine and she is married!” It is like marking territory; men understand this concept.

In my opinion, a couple should talk about what they want and expect from each other when it comes to wedding rings. They should agree on a price range that fits their lifestyle and financial situation. Finally it is important that both people recognize their selfish (if selfishness exists in this situation) reasons for wanting “their way.”

Remember to listen to your partner, respect one another’s wishes, and have fun with this big decision!

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Cliff House: Gracious, Personal Service and A Dazzling View Tuesday, Jul 10 2007

by Susan Hanshaw
San Francisco Wedding Officiant

As a wedding officiant, I arrive on the scene at least half an hour before the ceremony is scheduled to begin. That means that I get a pretty good peek at what is going on behind the scenes as the event is being prepared to unfold. This past weekend I officiated the wedding vows for a couple whose ceremony took place at San Francisco’s landmark, the Cliff House. While the majesty of the ocean setting is enough to take your breath away, its impressiveness is matched by the banquet and private events teams. They get a five-star rating for warm, welcoming gracious hospitality. I witnessed some rather daring pre-ceremony requests by various members of the wedding party that were received with nothing less than a warm smile as the goods were delivered. I was impressed.

Equally impressive is the 26,000 sq ft. remodel-design and renovation completed in 2004. The magnificent views of the Pacific Ocean are emphasized in the restored 1909 structure as well as in the new wing addition. Architect C.David Robinson used “natural materials-concrete, copper, slate and glass-to blend the new building into the scenic coastline.”

“The 26,000 sq. ft. restoration brings back both the character and the dignity of the historic Cliff House,” says Robinson. “In addition, the renovation adds three outdoor observation decks with stunning southern, northern and western views. A passenger elevator from the sidewalk to the Cliff Terrace and all observation decks affords full accessibility for disabled persons.”

It is easy to see why the Cliff House is such a popular destination for weddings. It blends history, timeless beauty of the Pacific Ocean and coastlines, modern architecture, and impeccable personal service into one special package! For more detailed information contact Virginia Casey Special Events Manager at 415 666.4027.

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The Secret to a Great Wedding Ceremony: “A Shared Vision Between Two Hearts and One Soul” Sunday, Jul 1 2007

by Susan Hanshaw
San Francisco Wedding Officiant

Yesterday I was the officiant for a wedding ceremony that stands apart in my mind as one I will remember. The reason: the couple embraced the significance of every single moment of the ceremony, enabling them and everyone watching to truly experience what was happening from their hearts.

A memorable ceremony is made in the moments. Yesterday’s memories unfolded from the very beginning as the eyes of the groom teared at the sight of his beautiful bride making her way towards him on the arms of her father. They took their stance in front of me and were totally present as the words that followed expressed their personal story and their dreams for their married life. How touching it was to see their faces light up at the memories of how they came together. How moved they were to hear words expressed publicly about what they value most in each other and in their relationship. And how they beamed when I reminded them that they will bring these same virtues to the family they will raise together.

Moving on to the vows and ring exchange, this couple did what many are unable to do in these publicly emotional moments. They were totally present with one another as they shared their wedding vows and placed rings on each other’s fingers. The depth of how they were experiencing these once-in-a-lifetime moments could not have been more clear. The energy from their hearts was contagious. I felt their bliss as they turned around to face their guests with the groom’s newly ringed hand and the bride’s bouquet waving high in delight. I felt like I’d done my job when I caught sight of one of the bride’s male relatives shedding a tear at his aisle seat in the back row.

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Creating a Personally Meaningful Ceremony Monday, Jun 25 2007

Welcome. Perhaps you have found your way to this blog because you are in the process of planning a wedding. My goal here is to inspire within you a vision which recognizes your wedding ceremony as an open door through which you will go forth to build your dreams together. Your ceremony has the potential to be so much more than just a generic legal ritual. It’s an opportunity to affirm the strengths of your relationship and to hold on to the memory of all the reasons why you are together. Your ceremony marks the very first moments of your married life, the springboard to all of your hopes and desires. Why not think of your ceremony as the blueprint from which you’d like to design your married life?Most couples embrace their wedding day with a vision and detailed plans through which this significant day will unfold. Yet for many, the ceremony is unknown territory. Few couples recognize how much freedom they have in creating a ritual that is personally meaningful. Here are just a few things you can talk to your wedding officiant about bringing into your ceremony so that it will unfold as a touching affirmation of your unique story:

• Highlights of how you came together
• What does the marriage means to you? What statement are you making to your family and friends and to each other?
• What you have done to successfully create your relationship?
• Are there any guests you’d like to specifically acknowledge?
• How would you describe your relationship?
• What do you value most in your partner?
• What is your vision for your married life?
• What do you want to promise one another?
• What do your rings mean to you?

Remember that the realization of a dream begins first with a thought. What better way to begin walking towards your dreams than by embodying them within your ceremony? I’ll be sharing many more ideas for designing a wedding ceremony with vision in future articles so I hope you’ll stay tuned. In the meantime, enjoy this most exciting time of your life.

Susan Hanshaw

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